I looked out through the window on my way to get my life together, suddenly someone from inside me said with quite a thud; “Your life is only gonna get harder, the faster you sync it in, the better”.
I realized then and there that I had always been hoping the next day would be a little better – no matter how hard I fought until the sun had set, how exhausting the day was and how resentful I was or how soulless and worn out I felt at the end of all such unrewarding days – I was always hanging on the thread of my last shred of will, crossing my fingers and wishing to the heavens that the next day had to be better. ‘How could it not?!’ But then, at that moment, suddenly it dawned on me that it is not.
Even though I share a small space with 2 others I don’t even speak the language of, share a tiny kitchen where the sink is too close to the stove and the stove is too close to the shelf that we practically melt everything down…, I can’t just drive off leaving my questionable existence of a life behind in the rearview……, I pray every day that it’s not my last day on earth because I haven’t done anything in my life – nothing I hoped I would anyway…; the other part of my mind never fails to remind me time after time that I might be making a very pointless fuzz when kids are dying half-way across the world of hunger. Therein lies the phenomenon of this constant, excruciating pain of being me, eating my soul away inch by inch, day by day.
There were drops of rain on the window finding their way down to nothingness, and through one of those drops that fought with all its might to stick to the glass, I saw a whole another world. I sat there numb when my mind did an eager free fall into the alternative world of the alternative ‘me’; gleefully leaving all of the aforementioned abyss behind.
In there I was pretty and thin and successful. I was fat and happy and never minded the extra pounds. I was a musician and millions adored me. I was a billionaire writer and my word brought about change. I was a crusader, who managed to save the world every day, some way or the other. I was Someone.
Sometimes I took off with my backpack and passport, often got together with my friends in the evening and had drinks after a hard day of labor, went to bed each day enthusiastic to enter another one. I was happy and I made everyone around me happy.
I was happy when I was standing on a beach with the cold sand pampering my feet, I was happy when the same breeze who mastered a symphony in the wild brushed against my hair, I was happy when the moon lit the skies and the stars took it over, I was happy when the first rain excited the fragrance out of the ground, I was happy when Justin Timberlake sang ‘can’t stop this feelin’ in my body’….. I was happy beyond reason.
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When the drop slowly rolled down to the edge and met with its end, I woke up from my dream with my eyes open and welled up; somebody inside me with a thud said, “It is only gonna get harder. The sooner you realize it, the better.”
I just hoped without realizing. I hoped without realizing that I was being the idiot of the century or the wisest of my life.